The author hopes these honest confessions prove useful to newly married, engaged, or hopeful women everywhere.]
What Not To Do In Your First Month Of Marriage
Make serious culinary mishaps. Choose from among the following options:
- Bake brownie cookies, add two extra minutes, and get in the shower. After ten minutes of happy lathering, remember the cookies. Run to the kitchen. Leave puddles of water all over the floor. Scrape the blackened discs off the pan, wipe the soap out of your eyes, and offer one to your husband when he gets home, with a glass of milk.
- After Super Bowl Sunday, serve leftover Velveeta chili cheese dip on top of baked potatoes for dinner on Monday night. Gob it on top nice and thick. Watch your man as he eats. He may eat a bit slowly, and if he tells you, “We don’t ever have to make this again,” find the hidden compliment and pat yourself on the back for your ingenuity. Only later, reflect on the fact that maybe, this was a bad menu choice.
- Brown ground beef for thirty minutes and leave it on a hot burner. It will taste charred. It will not taste like your mom’s.
Destroy a select handful of your brand new wedding gifts... like your toaster oven, for one. Twist the timer all the way to the left so it won’t tick any more. Leave it on for four hours. Leave for work. Your husband may be angry. He’ll call you – you won’t answer, because you’ll be in a meeting. He’ll return the toaster and a new one will be waiting when you get home. There will just be a sign: “Prior to use, please complete toaster training.”
Lose track of important documents, like your passport. Before you leave for your honeymoon, instruct your husband to sort through your dozens of purses (because you’re not home to do it) to find it. Describe purses over the phone to him using unhelpful phrases like “the cute one” and “the one I carry all the time.”
Try burning old checks in the sink with a lighter, since you don’t have a paper shredder. Enlist your husband’s help. Don’t expect him to think you’re smart, cute, or thinking out of the box. He will just think you are dumb.
Create a list of “Radio Guidelines” for when you and your husband drive together. These guidelines will help you both maintain harmony in the car, since you have slightly different musical tastes.
The guidelines should include the following:
1. When a song comes on that Wife loves, don’t change the station.
2. When a song comes on that Wife hates, change the station.
3. When John Mayer, Ed Sheeran, and select One Direction songs are played, change the station at risk of losing your life.
Ram your car into a snowbank, destroy your bumper, and incur a thousand dollars worth of repairs. Don’t do anything for a week until your car sounds like a piece of junk. Tell your husband on the way to church. Let him get out and look at it without you while you sit in the car and pray.
Take him into the service, shut your eyes, and sing, sing, sing. On the way home, offer duct tape. Offer gum. Offer to sell your soul. Let it marinate for awhile. He’ll come around.
Leave acetone-soaked cotton balls on the new coffee table. This will create little spots lighter than the surrounding wood. Tell your husband you didn’t realize acetone took off varnish. As you strategically place the coasters in a rambling zigzag across the table, reassure your husband that no one will ever notice.
Do all these things.
And if you have a gracious and loving husband, he may just love you anyway.